I may be tired, but I’m a Leo…
When I was 14 years I was sexually assaulted. My already crazy life seemed to spiral even more out of control. You may say “Latoya that was a long time ago”, but I still see it as if it was yesterday. Being thrown on the floor by three boys, feeling the fear of not knowing what to do, or sensing that what I was doing to fight was not enough. As my attempts to kick, scratch and scream for help went unnoticed…in a classroom full of students. Yes, you read that right I was in a full classroom of other students, and a teacher. Yes, that classroom was pretty large and we were close to the back of the classroom as students usually do as we all wait for the bell to ring to go home. I can honestly say that day changed my life. It changed how I felt about myself. It changed how I felt around men. It made me fearful and anxious. It made me self-conscious, it made me scared. It crafted me into this person that I didn’t know anymore. So that shy anti-social girl I previously was turned into, an introverted, reserved, fearful young girl.
I believe this has played a big part in the relationships I’ve had post this traumatic experience. I thought so little of myself, my expectations were even lower than my self-esteem. My faith in me pretty much diminished as I became this despondent girl willing to accept anything that was given to me. It followed me. Imagine reliving the lowest point of your life over and over again. Being reminded of the abuse over and over again! God has been showing his self to me time and time again. Trying to shine a light into the diminutive crevices in my life. Sending me signals with flair guns and whistle blowers. Trying restlessly to save me from myself. He placed so many people in my life as “indicators”, as a display to me, an indication of what life should be. I was terrified to accept it. After years of feeling so dejected, so unhappy for some reason I couldn’t fathom existing contently. I couldn’t measure a blissful life for it seemed I never experienced it before.
Now, at the youthful age of thirty I find I’m still oppressed. Browbeaten and troubled. Trying to climb my way out of this seemingly never-ending cycle of depression and despair. This is not the life I envision for myself. This is not the life I’ve been placed here to live. This was never my fight. But damn Leo’s can fight. The more I fight the deeper I sink.
It’s odd, I find myself meeting people who continuously support and uplift me. What’s even more absurd is I find myself running from these same people. But still I’m endlessly being placed in positions to learn, to prosper, and to farther discover about life and myself as a woman.
Pieces. Puzzle pieces they fall and slide in place. I often watch them. I think I’m getting closer. Closer to freedom….